


New Dreams

by michele659



Category: Monk (TV)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:17:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/michele659/pseuds/michele659
Summary: New dreams force Monk to ask for help in letting go of the past from someone he'd never have thought to ask._





	New Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the32nd Promptathon for Older_Not_Dead community at LiveJournal. The theme was "Help" and the prompt was "Help me learn how to let go."

He still dreams of Trudy, but the dreams are less frequent than before, and less vivid.  
He doesn’t see her in the vibrant, otherworldly colors he used to.  
When he wakes up, Adrian no longer has the feeling that he has been ripped from Heaven and brought back to Hell.  
It still hurts, but it’s not the same.  
Nor is Trudy the only one he dreams of these days.  
These days he dreams of another woman, a woman he once said reminded him a lot of Trudy.  
He realized now that what he meant is that the qualities he saw in Trudy he saw in her.  
But it’s not the same.  
It’s not better, but -it’s not worse.  
It’s just different.

 

Adrian being Adrian is of course overcome with guilt. And also, because he’s Adrian he takes his feelings of guilt out on everyone else.  
Especially her.  
Natalie.  
He can hardly look at her much of the time, especially after he dreams of her.  
The dreams are never sexual; even in his dreams Adrian is nothing if not repressed.  
But they are more than the dreams of a man toward a friend.  
Even Monk isn’t so naïve that he doesn’t understand that when he dreams of holding her in an embrace or kissing her it means something more.  
So, he gets more abrasive and irritable, until one day Natalie snaps and yells at him to stop being “such a jerk!”  
The same night she ignores his phone calls and his voicemail messages.  
The next day Natalie quits and a small part of him is relieved.  
The bigger(biggest)part of him panics.

 

He goes to the Captain and says, “Why does everyone leave me?” The Captain, having witnessed his behavior of the last several weeks says, “If you mean Natalie, it’s because you’re being a jerk! Didn’t I warn you that you were going to lose her? Because you were acting like me?”  
He had forgotten that.  
That day, when he’d gotten shot and was taking his frustration out on Natalie (and God, when did he become such an idiot?) the Captain had warned him of what would happen. He also remembered the Captain’s response when he said that Natalie hadn’t said anything about being upset over his actions; “She wouldn’t. She lo- “he had been oblivious then. Now, he looked at the Captain in amazement and said, “She loves me?”  
“And the light dawns!” The Captain said in what Adrian thought was an unnecessarily sarcastic tone.  
Why would he think anyone would love him?  
What woman besides Trudy actually ever had?  
Not that he didn’t know Natalie cared/loved him as a friend.  
He knew she thought of him as part of her family.  
But there’s a difference between being part of her family and being thought of as a man she could love.  
The Captain didn’t think that, obviously.  
“I can’t be with Natalie- I can’t be with anyone. I’m a married man,” Adrian said-but for the first time he realized that it was not true.  
He had been a married man, just like Natalie had been a married woman. But now they were both alone.  
“I’m not married. I’m a widower,” Adrian said and it didn’t send a knife through his heart like he thought it would if he ever uttered those words aloud.  
“Yes, you are. And you deserve to be happy,” the Captain said. “But, so does Natalie. So, you are going to have to let Trudy go if you plan on being with her. She doesn’t deserve to be second best.”  
Monk shook his head and started stammering. “N- no, I-I couldn’t do that to Trudy!”  
“Do what? Live your life? Be happy?” The Captain said in a tone that softened his bluntness. “Would Trudy want that?”  
“I -no. But why hasn’t she ever said that? I’ve talked to her so many times over the years.”  
“Maybe she thought you weren’t ready to hear it. Why don’t you ask her now?”

 

Adrian thought about it when he got home. It seemed like such a betrayal. How could he move on when Trudy was gone? Even though she wasn’t dead because of him, and he had solved her murder, avenged her. What more could he do? Kill himself?  
“Adrian, do not even think about it!” He looked up and saw her standing there, in her white gown, still beautiful, still glowing, but suddenly looking much more real than she had before.  
“You are not going to kill yourself because you’re too guilty to go on living! I don’t want that!”  
“I know-and I wouldn’t do that- it’s just- I don’t know how to let go-help me learn how to let go”  
“You can’t live with a foot in both worlds-the past and the present,” she said. “You have to pick one. And I’ll tell you right now- I don’t want you to choose the past. It’s not real, you know that, right? “  
“No, it’s not,” Adrian agreed. “If it were I wouldn’t have been so miserable all those years.”  
“You’re not miserable anymore, are you?” Trudy asked.  
“No- I actually have been feeling- almost-  
“Happy?”  
“No!”  
“It’s okay! You are allowed to be happy! You’re not betraying me if you’re happy.”  
“But- I won’t see you anymore!”  
“Adrian,” Trudy smiled at him. “I will always be a part of your life. A part of you! There’s room in your life for more, so much more!”  
“I never wanted any more than you.”  
“I know-but that was a mistake, too. Nobody should make up someone’s whole world. Now listen to me, you have to stop hiding. Yes, hiding. It’s not just love and grief that keep you bound to the past. It’s your fear that no one else could love you. But you know now, that’s not true. Now go, before I get angry at you! Go and talk to Natalie. She won’t reject you. She’s hurt and she’s confused and she’s angry. But she loves you, and she won’t reject you.”  
“I will miss you,” he said softly.  
“I am with you- but you have to move on. Now, go!”  
He took her hand and kissed it.  
“You were the best thing that ever happened in my life.”  
“And you were the best thing that ever happened in mine. But now, there’s something new for you. Someone else to love.”  
He started, remembering that Natalie said that to him when he first found out about Trudy’s daughter. She said that Trudy sent her daughter to him so he would have someone else to love.  
“Did you send Natalie to me?” He asked.  
Trudy smiled. “No, she came to you on her own. That was a gift from somewhere else. And you know what they say about gifts?”  
“What?” He whispered.  
“You keep those.”  
He closed his eyes and when he opened them she was gone.  
He took a deep breath and went out to hail a taxi and go see Natalie.

The End


End file.
